After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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