last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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