it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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