Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
