So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Let's paint friendship bongs
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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