someone threw a dead crab at me
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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