So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
