3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
