I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
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