Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You ruined the universe
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
