I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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