walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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