apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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