Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
