i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
