Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
