She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
