I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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