some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize