you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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