Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
