he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
