Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
