Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
