Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
