just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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