My nipple is on Facebook.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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