Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
