This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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