Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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