i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
