I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
