my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize