I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
