my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
