Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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