I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
