If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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