I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
