My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
