So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
