I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
