She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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