Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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