if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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