And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
