Swine flu. Run for my life!
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
