dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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