I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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