..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
