Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
