More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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