Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
