You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize