My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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