How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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