My hand turned me down
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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