What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Life is so much better after having sex.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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