im drinking this country out of the recession.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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