ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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